January 18th was my birthday and among the thousands of well-wishes was the finest gift known to man – 20% off a Guardian Soulmates subscription!!!!!!!!!!!!! What else could a 28 year old loser possibly want?
I signed up again.
This time I thought, “fuck it, I’m going to use this and try and find me a lovely woman. I’d quite like a lovely woman.” From the end of January to mid March I’ve had various wonderful dating experiences which I shall enthrall you with NOW.
One spent most the evening telling me all about her lactose intolerance which was quite exciting. I had to make my excuses and leave as I was slightly concerned she was going to order herself a four cheese pizza and show me the true effects. One was very nice, but despite having a “really good time,” she didn’t want to see me again, I think my anecdote about shitting myself went against me. There was full sex with another, my penis was delighted with this result as it had begun to question what it was he was doing with his life.
Others: A couple have been fine but clearly still in love with their exes, some have found me repulsive; another didn’t buy a SINGLE drink, four rounds I bought! FOUR!
That was all Soulmates based fun. My favourite profile on there had a list of requirements including: ‘a keen sense of business development’, we’re due to marry next week.
During this this time I also attended a scientific speed dating night. We had to wear a t-shirt for the two nights before, then bring it with us for the opposite sex to sniff and rate. Following this was a speed dating round. The scores from both were correlated to see if there were any matches. None of my matches interested me, however, in better news I was rated THE BEST SMELLING MAN! I know, imagine that. Another highlight of the evening was a lady whose opening gambit for 3 minutes of speed dating was, “I care for my mother.” We’re due to marry next week.
I also went to a singles night hosted by a friend from Twitter, it was all fine. Near the end someone asked if she could give me her number, obviously I said yes. The next day I text and asked if she wanted to go for a drink, “Hi, nice to meet you too. I’ve already got a date this week and can’t cope with a second. But I’ve got your number now.” We’re not due to marry next week.
I’ve got a month left on Soulmates, so hopefully I’ve got time to fit a few more rejections in before I stop talking to women altogether.