First date fun!

Blind DateWhat have you been doing since January, Cretin? Well, wouldn’t you like to know? Good job I’m about to tell you.

January 18th was my birthday and among the thousands of well-wishes was the finest gift known to man – 20% off a Guardian Soulmates subscription!!!!!!!!!!!!! What else could a 28 year old loser possibly want?

I signed up again.

This time I thought, “fuck it, I’m going to use this and try and find me a lovely woman. I’d quite like a lovely woman.” From the end of January to mid March I’ve had various wonderful dating experiences which I shall enthrall you with NOW.

One spent most the evening telling me all about her lactose intolerance which was quite exciting. I had to make my excuses and leave as I was slightly concerned she was going to order herself a four cheese pizza and show me the true effects. One was very nice, but despite having a “really good time,” she didn’t want to see me again, I think my anecdote about shitting myself went against me. There was full sex with another, my penis was delighted with this result as it had begun to question what it was he was doing with his life.

Others: A couple have been fine but clearly still in love with their exes, some have found me repulsive; another didn’t buy a SINGLE drink, four rounds I bought! FOUR!

That was all Soulmates based fun. My favourite profile on there had a list of requirements including: ‘a keen sense of business development’, we’re due to marry next week.

During this this time I also attended a scientific speed dating night. We had to wear a t-shirt for the two nights before, then bring it with us for the opposite sex to sniff and rate. Following this was a speed dating round. The scores from both were correlated to see if there were any matches. None of my matches interested me, however, in better news I was rated THE BEST SMELLING MAN! I know, imagine that. Another highlight of the evening was a lady whose opening gambit for 3 minutes of speed dating was, “I care for my mother.” We’re due to marry next week.

I also went to a singles night hosted by a friend from Twitter, it was all fine. Near the end someone asked if she could give me her number, obviously I said yes. The next day I text and asked if she wanted to go for a drink, “Hi, nice to meet you too. I’ve already got a date this week and can’t cope with a second. But I’ve got your number now.” We’re not due to marry next week.

I’ve got a month left on Soulmates, so hopefully I’ve got time to fit a few more rejections in before I stop talking to women altogether.

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Have I got news for you


No, not really. I haven’t been using the internet love machine sufficiently the last couple of weeks.

I went on a date with a girl, she was alright, she had two diet cokes. Her lack of adventure into the world of alcoholism concerned me sufficiently to decide that we’re probably not meant to be. Also, if you’re going to have a coke make it a real one. What? You prefer the taste of diet? Get outta town sister.

Had a few messages, one from a woman who in her profile says she likes Paul Merton, I told her I can do a very good Paul Merton impression. Hey, readers! Want to know how to do a Paul Merton impression? I’ll teach you if you’d like? Ok, say something a bit surreal about an animal/mystical beast, then extend your neck slightly and look left and right. See, good isn’t it?

Good blog there. Really strong stuff, maybe I’ll meet more people so I’ve got something to write about.  I also met someone who told me about scientific speed dating, I told her I was interested, I’ve always wanted to shag a bunsen burner.

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Let the dating begin

Due to overwhelming demand from…….. two people, I’ve decided an update is in order.

After what can only be described as a complete bloody waste of time and money, my subscription ran out. I messaged about 4 people, met one person I already knew from real life and attended an event with a collection of London’s most socially incompetent men. I decided against renewing.

Still being somewhat on the single side I weighed up my options i) meet someone in real life ii) sign up to a free dating site iii) pay for another dating site. After realising that i) is a nigh on impossibility and ii) that plenty of fish is full of mentals, I decided to opt for iii) but which one? Well, I recently signed up for one on a left leaning newspaper website. It’s been far more fruitful than Match so far. I shall tell you a little about the first two dates I’ve been on.

On one of these dates I found out an entire life history in the space of 4 hours, I feel mean being horrible about her though as she was perfectly nice, but the amount of talking lead to me making my excuses to leave the pub at 10pm, which is not something I’m accustomed to doing.

The other was after work on an idle Tuesday. I first went for a few drinks with a friend from work because I had a couple of hours to kill. I then met the young lady; she was blonde, and pleasant and all that.

We discussed Jimmy Saville for quite a while. I was having a nice time from what I remember, but I was also having one of those ‘Oooooh these beers are going down nicely’ times as well. The pub we were in closed at 11, however, fortunately I knew of another that was still serving so we headed there. In there I remember putting Oasis on the jukebox (I know), before we left at around quarter past midnight. Outside the pub we kissed a couple of times, before parting. She seems alright doesn’t she? Listened to my paedo gags, listened to Oasis, let me get pissed and got off with me! Well, with this in mind I clearly decided to try her further. Whilst walking to get the last tube I must have thought to myself, ‘I’d quite like some sex.’ I proceeded to send her the following text, which I read the next morning to my utter shame, “just to let you know, I would be willing to come back to yours.” Yeh. Wow. Well done brain. Not only that, but I then responded to my own messages twice further, I have no idea of their contents as I deleted all my sent messages as soon as I read the first.  She eventually responded the next morning, saying she wasn’t sure she wanted to see me again, which is just as well as I wouldn’t have been able to look her in the eye.

So yes, there’s an update, it’s all going splendidly.

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Comedy and tragedy – A event

17:30 Monday arrived, I nervously made my way to the venue. I stopped on the other side of the road and pretended to text whilst I watched a few people go in. After seeing a satisfactory number of normal looking people enter, two to be precise, I went for it.

At the door there was a lady with a clipboard, a guy was talking to her,

‘Are you here for the event.’


‘Are you bringing a friend?’

‘I am, but he’s not here, he will be here though. He’s single.’

‘It’s ok, well if you want to go in and get yourself a drink, it’s just through there. Have a good night.’

‘What? But what do we do?’

‘Go in, get yourself a drink and chat to people.’

‘What? We’re allowed to just go up and talk to them?’

This gave me a decent insight into the type of chap who I’d be competing with.

After exchanging pleasantries with clipboard lady I went in. I got a pint and wandered about for a bit, no one seemed to have had sufficient booze to begin talking just yet. I found myself a seat and sat their grinning like a maniac, one of the few times you’ll find me smiling is when I’m watching humans being painfully socially awkward.

An older black lady came and sat next to me, she was perfectly pleasant and then a guy sat to the other side of me. He looked very lonely and scared so I engaged us all in a lovely bit of three-way action. I asked them what they were looking for, he said he was after a woman ‘between 18-48’ and between ‘5’0 and 6’2’. So, you know, pretty much any woman. She said she wanted a 6’0 man with blond hair; I informed her she wouldn’t be meeting one of those on this night.

A bit more chat with the man made me quite sad. He had driven for over an hour to come to this, but wasn’t sure whether he should be there or not because a woman on another dating site had been messaging him, she hadn’t contacted him for two weeks but that was because he thought her phone was broken. He then started talking to me about roads, I told him I know nothing about roads, he was completely baffled by my lack of knowledge of the M25.

Boredom struck, so I wandered back into the fray. I spoke to two Aussie girls about deep throating in my finest Australian accent (so good in fact they think I’m Australian) which was fun. I also spoke to a lovely French girl. Chatted to her for ages, charmed her with my French knowledge, ‘Tu peux ranger tes affaires dans l’armoire.’  She seemed interested, she was doing those things that people say women do, like having hair and stuff. Anyway, she turned to talk to her friend and I went to the toilet. As I was walking away I heard someone behind me say ‘Oh charming.’ Which I realised after was her friend, they thought I’d just buggered off. When I got back they were gone.

I went back to the table where ‘road man’ was still sat, now on his own, nursing his first drink. I sat down,

‘He’s back,’ he said.

‘Yeh, I’m engaged now, which is good. Brought a ring with me just in case.’

‘More like a ringtone,’ he chuckled heartily.

‘You’re definitely going to die alone.’ I guffawed.

I didn’t really tell him he’ll die alone, I’m not a monster. I went back to the bar where a very short man was stood looking a bit angry, he turns to me,

‘Good night?’

‘Yeh, it’s ok. You?’

‘Well, I like that one, I was talking to her (points at a woman facing us who is about three feet away) but now she’s talking to that bloke (points at man). What do you think about that?’

After screaming in his face I decided to call it a night. I headed home safe in the knowledge that all those weird, demented men almost certainly get more sex than me.

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In and out

‘Hey baby,
You’re looking real neat in your profile pictures. I love the fact that you enjoy a night snuggled up on the sofa as much as you enjoy a night out dancing. You sound pretty much BANG ON what I’m after. I also like going out but also sometimes enjoy staying in. I think I’m almost certainly correct when I say we are kindred spirits, destined to be together forever, sometimes staying in and sometimes going out.’

That’s what I would have been messaging people with if I’d used since my last blog, however, I have been preoccupied on trying to find somewhere to live. If I’d attempted both of these mind fucks at the same time there is a very real possibility that I’d have done a breakdown.

Anyway, I have now acquired somewhere to live so I’m very much eager to push on and break some new ground in the exciting world of online dating. Since I was last on the site two quite lovely looking women have added me as a favourite. One of them mentioned she spoke French so I sent her the following message:

Votre datant profil m’informe que vous parlez français. À quelle heure est le film? Ma soeur a deux chats. Mes deux grands-pères sont morts. La piscine est sur la deuxième rue sur la droite.’ 

She hasn’t replied. I imagine because she knows I used a free translation site, I should have boasted about my A at GCSE French, women go wild for that shit. I’m yet to message the other woman; I might send a proper message due to her being attractive and me being shallow.

In other VERY exciting news I received an email from Match last week inviting me to: ‘Come and meet other members in a friendly and relaxed atmosphere. Have a drink, chat and get to know new people at our special event.’ So, I naturally clicked to confirm my attendance knowing that it might actually give me something to blog about, peoples’ faults are much more entertaining in real life than written down. It’s next Monday, so that’s something for us all to look forward to. I’ll be sure to stay in the night before.

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There is a site that never goes out

I messaged seven women on Sunday with some startling messages revealing my brilliant personality, ‘Hi, what’s your favourite UB40 song?’ etc

I’ve received one response, she seemed fairly pleasant but describes herself as ‘curvy’ and only has very close up pictures of her face. This makes me worry that perhaps it’s a bit of a squeeze to get someone else and a camera in the same room as her. The others have all ignored me. Prick teasing bastards.

The problem I’m finding with this experiment is a total lack of desire to message most the women on the site. How am I supposed to summon the mental strength and energy to attempt to converse with a woman who stipulates ‘got to have good banter’?

I could of course message and demand to know more about the time they went to Koh Phangan, but of course I’d rather chop my own cock off and start going on dates with him.  I’ve just seen one girl, she’s 27 and one of her specifications is that any potential partner must be 35, have brown hair, a pet turtle and at least 14 personality disorders.

Ok, the bits after brown hair were a lie. However, one genuinely has these snippets: ‘Do you agree that there is nothing more wonderful that being willing to change for love? And : ‘I smoke but I can’t stand the smell of stale tobacco, which means that I live with the window open all year round. Would that bother you?’ Not at all love,  I could jump out of the fucker.

I think the next step is to set up a fake account and see what the real, stud muffin men are saying on their profiles, I’m sure that’ll give me some brilliantly depressing insights.

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Come in, the water’s murky and smells a bit

Real life

I do meet women in real life, I’m not a complete freak. The thing is I hate the idea of ‘going on the pull,’ and the other women I meet it’s difficult to know what they want from me without asking them. The problem with asking a woman what they want from you is that they might tell you to piss off, and then you end up sending them body parts in the post and drawing pictures of them shagging animals for your dating blog.

The beauty of this online dating should be that it’s fairly obvious what people’s intentions are from the outset. There must be women on there that want someone to have dinner with every now and then, and occasional light petting.

In real life I’ve convinced myself that I’m ‘too picky’ when it comes to women. This may actually just be a cover up for the fact that I’m a bit shallow. For this experiment to work I need to get over myself and accept that some people have three eyes and ginormous noses. Chances are I’m not their ideal man, they want tall, dark and handsome, I am none of those things. I’m no oil painting, more a finger painting done by a four year old with no fingers.


My profile on the site has been viewed 143 times, I’ve been sent 1 message and winked at once. The message and the wink were both from a woman from  Santa Marta, Columbia. If someone is willing to pay for a flight I’ll go and say hello.

What I plan to do is message the women who have viewed me in the last couple of weeks. I think I’ll steer clear of ‘you is well fit babes,’ and go for more of a ‘Hi, you seem nice, (insert something mentioned on their profile e.g. You’ve been to Venezuela eh? I like how Hugo Chavez has no neck) I’m unsure how many replies I’ll receive, or how many messages back and forth you’re supposed to indulge in before asking them if they want to go for a drink, but this is all part of the learning process.

I’ve just sent my first message. I will report back in a week.

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